Monday, January 16, 2012

Not who you think it's going to be.

Today happens to be Martin Luther King Day, so it would make sense to post a quote from this great and powerful man. I am choosing to not do that, though. You will find a plethora of quotes posted all over Facebook and Twitter and many other social networking sites, so I am picking something that is more reflective of how I've been feeling this past week.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

George Eliot was the pen name of Mary Anne Evans (1819-1880), one of the leading writers of the Victorian Era. She wrote under a man's name so that she would be taken seriously and have the opportunity to get her work published easier than if she had submitted her work as a woman.

This year I will be turning 41 years old, and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Whereas this cold hard fact used to cause me endless sleepless nights, I now find myself embracing it more and more. Am I worried about money and how I'll get by? Yes. Do I wonder about having to work right up til the day I die because I have no Retirement fund to float me for the last decade or two of my life? Of course, I do.

I find myself now at middle age (and I am even there yet? Is it 40 or 45 these days?) with the 2nd half of my life waiting precariously ahead and no backup plan to be seen. Instead of saying "What the FUCK am I doing with my life?" over and over again (which I have been known to do), I am now saying "What CAN I do with my life?"

I still have no idea how I will get by money-wise, but am now taking the opportunity to look back at the first 40 years of my roller coaster life and celebrate the person I have become. And I am changing the phrase "What am I going to do?" - the nagging phrase that played continuously in my head that made me feel like a piece of shit.

From this moment forward, it will now be: "What am I going to do TODAY?"

It truly is never too late for anything, and I am determined more than ever to prove it.

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