Friday, December 13, 2013

Day Thirteen: My First ...

Today on the blog-a-thon, we're to talk about a first. I have to admit that I looked at a bunch of the posts already submitted for today to get an idea of what to write about. They were all great! It was about a first car, first dog, first kiss ... but nothing was popping into my head. Then I realized it was staring me right in the face.

This is my first consistent blog post run!
And the first daily ritual I've followed religiously!

I started this blog a few years ago in the hopes of writing more. Well, writing PERIOD, to be honest. I've always wanted to be better at writing, but keep getting into my head and not following through. Friends have repeatedly told me over the years that they love my stuff, and think I should do more with it. Easier said than done!

Not sure if I'll explain things clearly enough here, but I'll give it my best shot:

I started writing a one-woman show earlier this year, but haven't written anything to do with it as of late. It's about how I have gotten through life since I was raped at the age of 14. I've been through more than one person should ever go through in their life, but therein lies the writer's block. Where am I going with this? And what's the purpose of this play, or to an even greater extent, my life? Not to freak anybody out, but those who are close to me know that in the few years after my attack, I attempted suicide 4 times and had 2 breakdowns. Something that only a small handful of people know on top of that, is that twice in my life (and only in the past 10 years) I have heard a "voice". I have no idea what this voice was, but they were very life-changing moments for me, and to this day, I don't know what to do with what happened. I was hoping that once I started writing the show, it would finally dawn on me, but alas, not having an epiphany about it has created more doubt in my ability to write a show that anyone would care about.

Bottom line (and what I'm not sure I'm explaining properly) is that I've always "gotten through" life. I've always somehow arrived at a certain place in my life and figured out either easily, or through great difficulty how to get through whatever it is, and then move forward. I've never had any Life Plan Objective. Sometimes I feel like that's a good thing, while other times I feel completely lost. I don't regret not knowing what I've wanted to do with my life since I was a child. I used to feel insecure when I was around people who knew what to study and devote their lives to at such a young age. It took me til just before I reached this 5th decade of life (!) to appreciate the fact that I am what I am, and that's just fine as it is.

I, like many people, have bad days and good days. There are days off where I have grand plans to clean up the apartment, and then fail spectacularly as I just sit in front of the computer all day long. Then I feel horrible when I go to work the following day, as I'll be returning home after my shift to a messy home. And then it's an endless cycle. It's my goal one day (or year) to get into daily routines. I've tried numerous times, and most of those times, I feel like "this is the one!", only to not follow through a few days later.

This blog-a-thon is the first time I've followed though on something ... anything ... for more than a week straight. And it feels so frikken good. The thought of what I would do on January 1st popped into my head yesterday - what am I going to do when there are no more prompts for a creative outlet waiting for me when I look at the computer screen? My heart sank as I thought about losing this drive again.

But it doesn't have to end. I'm not sure what my new goal entails, but if any of you reading this are interested in continuing with this incredible creative flow, I'd love to keep going with a weekly project. No pressure to do anything on a daily basis, but maybe one person of the group comes up with either a theme or a task for the week, and then if we want to, or have the time to devote to it any of those days, we post about it.

Like I said, it's the first thought that popped into my mind, but I love being a part of this wondrous community of writers now, and would love to do more within it.

Um .... I had no idea that this was all going to come out of me! Not like this is my first ramble ever, but I guess I needed to get a bunch of stuff out there. Maybe I'm just supposed to write whatever in the hopes that other people out there don't get in their heads like me? Are we all in the same boat?

Maybe there's a second show in me that will talk about that ..... ?

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